Finding Myself ...Finale ...Discovering Who I am
I become what I might be.
— Lao Tzu
My life was coming apart and when my friend Leo suggested a professor who specialized in past life regression I was intrigued.
Perhaps the Prof could provide some way short of using a Time Machine to help me revisit my past, but honestly, using hypnosis as a regression tool scared the hell out of me.
But then the Prof offered an alternative approach—a combination of journaling, life review, meditation and self hypnosis and that soounded less threatening so I gave it a try.
It actually began to work!
So, here I am on another Saturday driving out again to the counrty to talk to Ken and ask him why just following his 'correspondence' course was causing such a seismic shift in my thoughts.
“It’s pretty simple, Lucas,” he smiled, “we tend to avoid painful things and push them away—not on purpose, but it happens. But in a guided program such as you’re following you have to confront the facts.”
“But even if I face the facts how will this help Clare? How will it change her mind and soften her attitude toward me?”
“You just have to stay the course and work through the program,” he said calmly. “In time things will change—not overnight, but gradually.”
Srangely enough, I believed him. And went away encouraged although still not comppletely convinced.
Over the next few weeks I began to see the truth in what Ken was telling me.
Clare and I had been both frozen in time. But as I worked through the process of systematically revisiting my past, I gained insight and it changed me.
It seemed unbelievable but it was real.
Lately, I had been having episodes where I relived moments from the past involving her and she's been having very realistic dreams that involve the same thing with me.
Where this is going neither of us is sure but now one thing is clear—this isn't just some paranormal experience confined to me because we're both somehow experiencing this process together.
And that fact alone consoles me.
I thought I was in this alone, seeing Ken Blogett, my Psych guru and believing I was on my own trying to change my life. But, as it turns out, Clare and I are enmeshed, almost to the point where we're feeling each others' feelings and unable to draw boundaries between us.
I should be upset about the loss of individuality, but I'm actually comforted. I've come to realize that the problems between Clare and I revolved around my being too focussed on myself and meeting my own needs.
We were't a team and consequently, we drifted apart to the point where I became infatuated with Marnie Ferguson at work and ended up having an affair.
It took losing Clare to teach me how selfish and insensitive I had become.
It's weird though.
I thought Clare and I were the playthings of the gods but now I'm beginning to see a deeper principle at work in our relationship.
They say that things that belong together don't need to be tied. But Clare and I seem to have an even deeper bond than that. We seem to exhibit a natural bond reminiscent of entangled particles in quantum physics.
Apparently it doesn't matter how much we're separated spatially, we still end up mirroring each other—Clare in dreams and I in day to day reality.
"I seems the cosmos wants us together," I tell her, and who are we to deny the universe?"
She laughs and shakes her head in wonder. "Truth is, I've been totally miserable without you. Oh sure, I went through the bitterness and anger of feeling betrayed by you, but all the time I didn't want to punish you so much as to make you see what your selfishness had caused."
I nod solemnly. "I'd say that message has been received, loud and clear."
"I hope so, Lucas, because I don't ever want to feel that abandonment again"
I hang my head in shame trying hard to suppress the tears burning my eyes.
"I really need a hug," she whispers.
I enfold her in my arms.
I don't know who was happier, Ken or me when I phoned him and told him the news.
"I'm so glad you and Clare have reconciled. If you're ever out for a drive in the country drop by for coffee and muffins. Amy would love to meet you."
"I just may take you up on your offer, Pal. I've been telling Clare all about our sessions and she's eager to meet you too."
There's a pause on the line and then Ken adds, "No one has a perfect life, Lucas. We all make mistakes, but I'm a great believer in second chances. It's like renovating a fixer-upper. Sometimes the redo is better than the original."
Ken's words struck a note that vibrated in sympathy inside me.
I wondered if entanglement also applied to friendships and if Amy and Ken weren't the perfect complement to Clare and me.
Perhaps we'll have to take that drive out into the country to see.
Thank you!