Parody: Totally "useful" Splinterlands cards..

I welcome the new edition of Splinterlands, after Chaos Legion, it's...

THE STRIKE BACK EDITION! (I'm bad at names)

But there's a problem!

Splinterlands players are having an issue winning with the new cards, some say it's a scam!

Let's take a look at the most bizarre cards...

1 . Lump of Grump:

For such a useless card, its mana is too high.

Element: Neutral
Mana: 50
Level: 6
Speed: 1
Health: 0
Ability: 0

0 Ability Description:
All friendly monsters will receive an additional 0 health at the end of the battle lost or won, even if the useless card doesn't make it 'till the end.

GOLD FOIL VERSION:

If battle won, will give the "gold foil" points to the opponent, if lost, it's still the same thing.

2 . Failed Supplier:

Has many stats! I know right? But hold up! Life isn't that great. Is it working for you or for the enemy?

Element: Water
Mana: 2
Level: 1
Speed: 99
Health: 99
Shield:99
All attacks: 99
Ability: Stat swap

Stat Swap Description:
All of this card's stats is transferred to the opponent team. This card dies at the start of the battle. Guess why it dies at the start? It is because it knows it will be punished very badly by its team.

GOLD FOIL VERSION:

Does no difference. Just like a normal card. No 10%, but it is still golden don't you think?

3 . Friendless Beast:

This card can die with one attack, and drags the whole team to death with it.

Element: Death
Mana: 5
Level: 3
Speed: 3
Health: 1
Shield: 10
Magic attack: 1

Abilities: Lending hands and shield shatter

Lending Hands Description:
Gives all friendly monsters its stats. Like for example: Clumsy Gladiator has 4 health, and because of Friendless Beast's ability that card now has 1 health.

Shield Shatter Description:
Eliminates all friendly monster's shield including its own after the "Lending hands" ability is applied.

GOLD FOIL VERSION:

Substracts 30 DEC from your account if you lose the battle, if by some miracle you win the battle, does no effect.

4 . Even Scout:

Element: Earth
Mana: 1
Level: 1
Speed: 1
Health: 26
Magic attack: 26
Abilities: Group and equals

Group Description:
Gives all friendly monsters its health and attack stat at the beginning of the battle.

Equals Description:
All fighters, both yours and your enemy's cards, get 0 health after "Group" ability is applied.

GOLD FOIL VERSION:

Has the same function like a regular gold foil. You just pay more to buy it in order to say that you have a golden foil version of this card.

5 . Clumsy Gladiator:

Loves hates the randomness!

Element: Life
Mana: 12
Level: 5
Speed: 3
Health: 4
Shield: 2
Ability: Mystery Partners

Mystery Partners Description:
Can't make up you mind to choose any cards in the few minutes given to you? Choose the Clumsy Gladiator card instead ! This card chooses a random card with no attack for you ! This card can only be sent by itself in battle. If rule disobeyed and you send this card along with any other cards into battle because the mana cost permits you to do so, then the other cards will be removed automatically before the start of the game and the Clumsy Gladiator will prevail.

GOLD FOIL VERSION:

If you win a battle with it.. pfft! HAHAHAHAA!

6 . Helper:

More like helping the enemy!

Element: Dragon
Mana: 7
Level: 2
Speed: 2
Health: 2
Shield: 7
Abilities: Heal, Magic Delegation and Shield Lend

Heal Description:
Heals all enemy monsters each round. Yes, you read it right, it heals enemy monsters, not yours.

Magic Delegation Description:
Gives +99 magic attack to the enemy. Of course, to the enemy, you are starting to get to understand who this card plays for.

Shield Lend Description:
All friendly monsters receive +7 shield. This one at least helps your friendly monsters with more shields, but for what ? Because with so much magic attack delegated to your enemy monsters, your shields will be pretty much useless against your enemies.

GOLD FOIL VERSION:

You get nothing and the opponent gets nothing either, why? Because you wont win any battle with this card anyways.

7 . Venari Decksmith:

Now this is a more useful card!

Element: Fire
Mana: 2
Level: 1
Speed: 4
Health: 3
Shield: 1
Ability: 10X more

10X More Description:
Every time you win with this card you earn 10X more! Why? Because we need to fight inflation, right now DEC is worth so little that this card might help with the loss of value in DEC inflation!

GOLD FOIL VERSION:

Instead of getting 10X more you get 30X more!