Don't have the time or the patience to go through all the Splinterlore texts and videos?
Don't worry, I did it for you and now we have a shorter, funnier and dumber version. Enjoy!

Splinter Lore for Dummies ep1.jpg


Believe it or not, it all starts with an obsession from a certain plant lover: Dr Alastair, a scientist from Quilton Field University and an adept of the "obscure folklore", who studied every manuscript known to mankind, specially the enigmatic Yerivin manuscript. We're talking about a straight A student who would probably become an astronaut in modern days. But back in his time, he was just the crazy loon who kept mumbling about a "lost continent". He would not shut up about it and even family and colleagues called him a party pooper. Every line of dialogue would give him an excuse to change the subject.

  • Have you seen the birthday muffins? I thought I saw them on the table.
  • Maybe they're lost, just like The Lost Continent of Praetoria. Let me show you some maps that I brought in this briefcase!

People in the street would roll their eyes upon his passage, kids would play pranks on him, you get the idea. Loony loony Alastair.

The man was about to lose hope and give up his research to become a yoga teacher, just when one fine morning... there was a sudden river flood invading the city! Frogs were swarming in the water and fish started raining from the skies! wtf!?? This was exactly like Alastair's prophecy!
"We always knew he was right!", said the mayor, being hit by live salmon in the head.

The government quickly gathered some money (aka tax raise) and assembled a big ship and crew - mostly fishermen who lost their jobs due to the abnormal events, and some faculty researchers. Alastair was all set to explore the new world and find his Lost Continent: Praetoria.

The doctor was extremely anxious during the trip. He would not eat, he would not sleep, he would only wander around the ship talking to himself and daydreaming about some sort of burning caldera where he could get all the knowledge he desired to become more respected. The crew tried to ignore him, even when he was screaming "fire will burn your soul and ashes shall feed my brain".
At this point, Alastair seems to be a Dr Faust in the making. Yeah, creepy as hell, but workers just pretend he's not here, never ever making eye contact and focusing on happy thoughts, like cat memes, sandy beaches or funny porn.

One fine morning, for everyone's relief, Dr Alastair vanished! He was nowhere to be seen and one of the small boats from the ship was missing. In the horizon: LAND!


In land:
"If only they could see me now. Exploring the continent that I discovered, Praetoria is mine! Those idiots at university, short-sighted apes, could never see my brightness. And look at me now. I'm Doctor Bright and I will laugh at all of them.", mumbled Dr Alastair while exploring a path towards an imposing red mountain. "I AM A GOD!!!", he screamed from his lungs, just to hear his echo twice with the same statement. Was that really necessary, man? How dramatic.

He reached the top of a hill, expecting to find some rare plants and mushrooms to collect (for "medical purposes", says he). Instead, he finds a carving on the rocks, with the shape of an hourglass. 6 hours of climbing, for this? Damn, Doc needs a snack. Just when he was eating his Roquefort cheese (he likes it strong and smelly), a resounding voice came out of nowhere:

  • COME...
    Wow! Was not expecting this!
  • "Who are you!?", Alastair screamed at the dark sky, while fiercely holding a cheese stick as defence.
  • "Don't play with food. Just eat that smelly solid piece of fart and listen to my offer", said the voice.
    Alastair swallowed the entire piece and his breath would never be the same, especially because he forgot to bring a toothbrush in his inventory. It's never an object present in an adventure game, is it?

The voice followed:

  • Call me Silus. Don't bother looking for me, you won't find me. But I want you to work with me. Be my eyes. Be my voice. Be my will. And in return... I will grant you power unimaginable.
  • What sort of power?
  • Anything you desire will come true.
  • Sort of like the Genie from Alladin's lamp?
  • Sort of. But not limited to just 3 requests. And broader services too: I can give you power to defeat those who stand in your way, I can make you become what you ever dreamed of.
  • Can you create food out of thin air?
  • I can.
  • Show me.
  • No.
  • Come on! I'm a man of science, I can't just trust words of unexplainable magic!
  • Fine. Here you go.
    A big lump of fresh Burrata cheese pops on top of a rock.
  • Wow, delicious! I'm impressed. Can you also provide some crackers to pair with the cheese?
  • Maybe, but not just yet. I want to show you some places in the Island. Magical landscapes you never dreamt of.
  • All right, all right. But then will I get my crackers?
  • Yes.
  • Promise?
  • Promise.
    And so Alastair packed his belongings and followed Silu's guidance through long tortuous paths in this new land. His feet were getting sore. "Looks like flip flops wasn't the best idea for this exotic island...". He kept walking and climbing the mountain, hours passed - or was it weeks?

Finally reached the top of the tops: the volcano crater. Magma bursting bright red bolts. "Look around!" says the voice. He spots a rune carved in the border! A glowing rune with an hourglass inscription. Silus orders him, while laughing maniacally:
"waaaahhaaaahhhaaa, touch it! The power is MIIIN...yours."
Alastair felt like an heroic Frodo, not with a ring but with a rune. And no dragon, but an invisible voice. And no evil eye, just... you get the idea. He touches the rune and gets shocked by a tremendous bolt of energy. He passes out. ploft.


When the doctor wakes up, his body is so different. His veins are glowing green, all over the face and body. His eyes were not brown anymore, but Black with a green hue. Creepy guy. The new Hulk started to run as fast as he could, as if he had seen waht sausages are really made of. He felt immense strength and stamina throughout his run, even though he quit the gym years ago (when crossfit was a thing). Even in flip flops he achieves great speed without getting tired. When he stops to look back, he realizes that all flora grayed out and died, just from his passage. In horror he thinks "Am I a monster now?". Nah, maybe you're just a weirdo that kills every living thing in his path. Remember kids, don't touch unknown runes, even if a random stranger tells you to.

Alastair - or whatever he is now - encounters a shop and steals a dark cloak and a raven mask to hide his hideous face. Lucky that there was a random venezian carnival shop in the middle of a mysterious island!
Silus' voice returns:

  • Well, my greedy geeky doc, you just fell into my trap and now you're an agent of destruction and Blight wherever you pass by, almost as deadly as your cheesy breath. There, you got your power. What do you say?
    Alastair stays silent for seconds, looking at himself in the mirror (no toothbrush in inventory but a small mirror... shuuure). He finally lifts his head:
  • "You promised me crackers. I see no crackers." says he, in a weird new voice that even comes at a surprise to himself. It's like he has a distorted subwoofer in his vocal chords.
  • There were never any crackers, you fool. My power can only go so far.
  • No crackers, no Blight. I'll just sit here and tap my ears then.
  • Get up and follow me, you twat!
  • NamanaNamanaNamanaNamanaNamana...
  • ok, wait! Untap... Untap those EARS! I'll get your crackers. But first you need to do more stuff for me.
  • Crackers. Promise?
  • Promise.
  • But you promised before.
  • Pinky promise.
  • Ahn. Ok.
    Seconds after, we see Alastair opening his arms, looking at the stars and howling a deep dark scream, turning all nature around him gray and dead, as if 100 years have passed without any sun or water.

Alastair is now the dreaded (and expensive af) DR BLIGHT!


Long story short (with links to other stories):

geeky doctor Alastair explores an island, gets fooled by some devil and becomes deadly Dr Blight


(to be continued)

If you enjoyed this revamped story, any token of appreciation is welcome. ;)
And if you want to read the ORIGINAL Splinter Lore, go to https://www.splinterlore.com/chaos-legion

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And in digestible chunks, that makes it much easier to chew upon. Noice!


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Love the satire/summary-- this is great!!!

One minor thing though is that Praetoria was never a lost continent-- Pirates of Azmare often sailed there to do business. Most of the Splinterlands was aware of its existence, but it was quite an expensive and long journey to go there that most wouldn't consider it.

Keep up the great work. We definitely need more continent like this!!!


Thank you for the information. More content coming soon!