Don't have the time or the patience to go through all the Splinterlore texts and videos?
Don't worry, I did it for you and now we have a shorter, funnier and dumber version. Enjoy!

Splinter Lore for Dummies ep2.jpg


The tragic protagonist of this story is a young happy dork called Kai (short for Kaijiang). He works in the town of New Everitt as a horse waste manager, aka collect horse crap and turn it into manure for the crops by massaging it for hours. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

But Kai’s aspirations were big, he wanted to find his way into the big league, make a name for himself. He would do everything to get noticed by the powerful people at the Town Hall: bring them fresh lemonades, unclog their precarious toilets or even serve as a human bench whenever they needed some rest. “One day all of this PR effort will pay off” was Kai’s mantra when those soft fluffy butts were warming his back.

One day, by the palace entrance, while cleaning vomit from some drunk sergeant, he saw her: Bera Dallin, the great leader of the town! She is a female dwarf, a brutal fighter able to swing an axe to an Orc’s head from a distance. And yet, she seems graceful and even sexy. “She is this brute figure with deadly eyes and a red beard, and yet I can’t help not to stare at her”. Bera looks down at the drunken sergeant:

  • awww, g’damn, i told you not to mix black vodka with red wine! Now who’s g’nna send my message to our neighbors? Not me, for sure!
  • ME! ME! Please, allow me to have the honor to be of service to the kingdom! I want to save this town, I will protect us with my life!
  • It’s just an invitation for a party, no big deal. Forget it.

Kai throws himself at Bera’s boots, cleaning them with a sponge while begging:

  • it is my destiny to deliver your message and all future messages and to comb your beard (!) and to be awake during your sleep to protect you from rogues with silent feet and backstabbing abilities.
  • Stop touchin’ my beard, a’ight? Fine, just grab this stupid envelope and take it to Nico, the leader of Wildflower Wood. Tell him not to bring his wife, she is a double dipper.
  • Er… a what?
  • She dips the baked corn in the white sauce, she licks it and then she dips the same corn again in our common sauce. It’s disgusting and disrespectful. Next time I’ll rip her head off with the soup spoon and spill the sauce inside her open neck!

For some weird reason, she really looked kind of hot saying sadistic threats...


Kai went home and packed his bags. Well, actually he totally overpacked, he wanted to be prepared for ANY eventuality. He barely slept while trying figure out a plan to get this mission to succeed, even if the “mission” was just a 10 mile walk to the neighbor town.

He would daydream about cloaking in the shadows, jumping obstacles, fighting orcs and reaching the leader Nico, bearing some minor injuries, and thus being cheered by the population and receiving a golden medal from Nico himself. And then... from Bera, who would then throw deadly axes at her own useless counselors just to promote Kai as “Personal Consultant to the Great Leader”. He could see himself on the throne, sitting on Bera’s big lap, patting her red haired beard (enough with the female beard references? Inclusion, guys!), just when… he heard the church bells. Which means… He was already late, sun had gone up hours ago!

Kai grabs his huge backpack and runs through the road that leads to the other town. That backpack was really very heavy! “Maybe I shouldn’t have brought so many fridges or the syrup maker machine. But what if Nico feels like having pancakes or a banana split?”.

Kai was running and sweating like a pig in the sauna (!?). He decided to make a quick detour and rest in Jade Thicket, a small town on the way to Wildflower Wood. As he approached the gate, there were no guards present. Kai entered easily and nobody was to be seen in the streets. He enters the market… nothing. Just rotten fish and dark meat with flies all over.

Kai went to the one place that always has information and gossip: the Tavern. He enters “The last fate Inn” and… also empty, although glasses and bottles of ale are on the tables. He needs to freshen up with a drink and wipe the pig sweat off his neck before getting back on the road. Kai goes behind the bar counter and his feet step on something soft. He looks down and screams in horror, in a surprisingly high-pitched tone! The body of the bartender was laying there, lifeless with clear stabbing wounds!

Kai panics. His breathing becomes short, fast and loud. He steps back and stumbles against a table, shattering some glasses into the floor. Voices coming from upstairs:

  • woz, noize! yew left onez alivez!
  • Gow killz, gow killz! Rememberz, no witnezes.
  • Gloryz to ourz master Obsidian!
  • Killz everyonez, killz!


Steps coming down the stairs. Kai has hot tears in his eyes, he feels like a scared child: now he misses the harmony of horse manure massaging and the quietness of the farm.

Kai decides not to be a hero and runs for the door. He crosses it but the huge backpack behind him blocks the passage and pulls him back in! He quickly tries to get rid of the big block on his back, waving his arms like a cockroach and even trying to rip the straps with his teeth.

And then:

A whispering sound.


An impact.



Hand in the chest. Feels wet.

Looks down.

Red. Too much Red.

The tip of an arrow is coming out of his chest, after ripping the backpack and making its way to the front, through the heart.

“I brough three frying pans, couldn’t one of them block the damn arrow?”. He couldn’t help to think about logistics even in a time like this.

Kai falls to the ground, life fading away quickly. He could still see the feet of Venari soldiers closing by. He felt movement in his backpack.

"ahhhnz, a syrup makerz! Nizzze. Obsidian will be happiz, master lovez Banasplitzz!"


In his last breath, Kai dreamed that his body was being pulled upwards by a big long red beard, that embraced him into warmth and comfort…
The End

Long story short (with link to previous stories):

1 THE VOICE - a geeky researcher gets tricked by a devil and becomes Dr Blight

2 MESSENGER - an overenthusiastic messenger is sent to a village where everyone got killed by Venari soldiers, by order of Obsidian.

(to be continued)

If you enjoyed this revamped story, any token of appreciation is welcome. ;)
And if you want to read the ORIGINAL Splinter Lore stories, go to https://www.splinterlore.com/chaos-legion

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