LORE FOR DUMMIES - ep 3- CREEPING
Don't have the time or the patience to go through all the Splinterlore texts and videos?
Don't worry, I did it for you and now we have a shorter, funnier and dumber version. Enjoy!
The big bearded man hasted through the long deck of the pirate ship, chasing the small blonde child who ran for her life!
- I will catch you, girl! And then I sweeear I'll eats those deliiicious cheeks of yours, wahahaha!
- Noooo, help!!!!
- Wahahaha, I'll eat you aliiive and spit your bones to the shaaarks!!
The brute man laughed loudly, showing a set of shiny golden teeth while pulling out his big sharp rapier. The child was losing breath, her legs were so short and one of her hands had to carry the little teddy bear. She jumped and started climbing the ship’s ropes, upwards trying to reach the watch tower. But she feels a hand grasping her foot and pulling all her body down. She falls on her back onto the man’s clutches.
- Nooooo, don’t kill me!
- You’re miiine now, wahahha
- Don’t eat me, don’t eat me, hahaha!
- Nhom nhom nhom nhom
- No, daddy, no! Hahahaha
- Deliiicious belly! Nhom nhom
Fiafia couldn’t stop laughing, while her father kissed and tickled the soft belly. He also did that thing of blowing air into the belly, resulting in a funny fart sound. Tears of laughter were coming out of her eyes.
This is the last good memory of Fia with her father, the famous pirate “Golden Tartar”. In the next day, when the ship stopped in the Port of Northern Bay, the local authorities arrested him for several crimes and her tears were no longer from laughing.
Fiafia became alone in the world. And nobody cared…
She is now a teenager working at the docks doing whatever gigs that can pay for food and precarious survival. She does a lot of work for mr Ralk, a middle aged grumpy goblin who runs local businesses at the docks: ship reparing, warehouse, fishing boats and a massage club. He was sort of friends with her pirate dad: word is that they used to go geocaching, seeking treasure chests in distant islands.
Now those kind of adventures are very restricted. There’s a terrible plague ravaging some Praetorian cities, some say it’s related to sightings of a certain man wearing a dark cloak and a raven mask (wow, the dots are starting to connect!). They call it “The Creeping Plague”. Not the most creative title ever, but all the regional copywriters were busy writing pilot episodes for Splinterflix, so it was a local winemaker who ended up creating the brand for the Plague, just after he lost all his workers to the dreaded disease: some became very ill, others became red eyed and cannibalistic, others started performing Baby Shark Dance group choreographies until they dropped dead.
One fine evening, Fia went to the warehouse to prepare drinks for “Ralk’s poker night”. He likes to invite some folks to play all night, with a lot of smoking, cheating and brawling. Fia is responsible for drinks, cleaning, and dropping and Ace of hearts on mr Ralk’s pocket whenever needed. ;)
Cleaning the floor, she found a note under the table:
“Dear mr Ralk: receive Dr Blight in your warehouse at midnight. The Venari have connect a tunnel from the Realm of Silence. Come if you want to survive the Creeping Plague.”
She didn’t understand the names - blight, venari, realm, but she surely understood the plague was coming!
Fia ran to the warehouse in time to see the happening with her own eyes: Ralk was receiving a bag of gold from some rat-like humanoid. And then… from the trapdoor climbs the legendary promo figure: Dr Blight himself! He lifts his arms, raising a cane with a ornamented skull. A heap of green poisonous energy comes out of the skull’s jaw, while a strident sound emanates from his mouth, or beak, or whatever that thing is. Nobody can't say his entrances are not Epic. This guy is like the Undertaker coming into the arena!
Mr Ralk falls to ground, pleading for his life.
“Traitor”, Fia thought. “Didn’t even bother to tip me about this menace. My father always said he was a criminal, maybe he was the one who gave up dad to the police!”. Anyway… no time to waste! Fiafia ran as fast as she could, until she reached the tavern and tried to warn everyone:
- the plague, the plague! Dr Blight is here!
- Yeah, right. More beer, please!
- You need to leave now! Get you children and flee from this town!
- Shut up, girl. Stop begging for attention, it’s not our fault you’ve got daddy issues.
Ouch. That was cold!
- "Listen to me! Dr Blight just came from a secret tunnel and is poisoning green stuff coming out of his skull."
They all laughed in her face.
- Fantasies. Nice. You should write a pilot episode. Har har har. Now leave us alone, we’re warming up for tonight’s Poker Night.
- THERE’S NO POKER NIGHT! And how come you never saw that mr Ralk cheats!?? In fact… he just cheated on all of us now!
- That’s it. You’re just being rude. You’re acting like a baby… baby…
The bartender becomes stiff and his eyes slowly roll up. His body’s limbs seem to move by themselves.
baby… baaaaby shark Tututuru-Tu-turu, baby shark Tututuru-Tu-turu…
Others join the weird wide clapping choreography, singing in unisson: “MUMMY SHARK, TUTUTURU-TU-TURU…”
Fiafia, in shock, jumps out of the window. There’s a weird stench in the air. She stops by her small room to get her only 3 personal belongings: silk bandana, teddy bear and dad’s epic pirate hat. She stops by mr Ralk’s office and grabs the key to one of his private ships: “The Creep”, a two-seater turbo pirate recon vessel, painted red and displaying a wild horse logo in the front. She sails away from the port, looking one last time at the village. It is now covered in a green cloud and it’s still audible that darned song that will stick to her brain for nights to come. Tututuru-Tu-turu Tututuru-Tu-turu…
Long story short (with link to previous stories):
(to be continued)
If you enjoyed this revamped story, any token of appreciation is welcome. ;)
And if you want to read the ORIGINAL Splinter Lore stories, go to https://www.splinterlore.com/chaos-legion
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