Bricks
Calloused hands and dented tools
Scraped the land for sand and clay
Mixed the mud, straightened the frames
Sucked on the bloodied knuckles
Scooped the muck and packed it tight
Bent and tugged the frames aloft
Stacked and wheeled the clay still soft
To a furnace that roared and squealed with rage.
Inferno scorched the softness into brute solidity
Patterns of bright flame, russet, amber, mahogany,
Testify to the firing and the rage they’ve seen
Obscuring every tool mark and drip of sweat from gleaming brow that leaned
To pack each one in metal cubes to build this wall that circles me.
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Sorry, forgot to source my image: Mustafa Ezz at Pexels
Yes. I think our natural state is to be connected with each other, and it does take effort to cut oneself off. Your poem illustrates the effort, and partially identifies the motivation for building a wall. The rhyme works very well, in that it does not intrude or distract from the reading; I did not find one example of it being forced. And I like how you 'pack' the revelation of why this person is building a wall, what all the effort is for, into the very last line. Good job!
Thank you, I really appreciate this feedback, and your read on the poem. Actually you got a layer from it that I had not consciously realized, the effort expended on this isolation. What a sweeping read you made, wow! :) I have a bit of a formal structure bent to me so I am relieved the rhyme was not too intrusive. Thanks again!!
Manual selection by @cliffagreen.
I like the rhymes, imagery, and a lot of the word choices, and I like how it builds to give the final line a lot of punch. I was a little bit thrown by the rhythm of the "To a furnace..." and "Obscuring every..." lines, I think I was expecting a pattern where they were shorter lines.
Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate your thoughts on the rhyming. In the first two stanzas I was trying to bury the final rhyme in the middle of the last two sentences, so "wheeled" was supposed to rhyme with "squealed". And in the third stanza I wanted final rhymes across the board but I think the change in rhythm in the last two lines sounded better in my head haha. :) Thanks for taking the time to give me your impressions!
Trust me, the words you have chosen are QUITE tough. They aren't words used normally. Liked them. I had to read it twice to actually understand it well. Well, choice of words. Best wishes for the coming one.
Sorry for the word choices, I am grateful for the effort you put toward reading my poem, it is very generous! :)
Ah, don't be sorry, I was praising.😅 Your word choice is unique.
Niiiice! Loved not only the story but also the imageries and flow. Kudos!
Thank you for your encouraging reply!
Wow! This is a beautiful piece of writing. The rhythm and word choice is great. Last stanza is my favorite, especially the first two lines
Some of the ideas the poem invokes in me surround the duality of man - Man simultaneously shaped by the material world his species uniquely lives to shape Also the generations of hard work- focus and artistry- it takes to lay down the foundation for all things within civilization, and perpetuate its increasing complexity; and perhaps how to built up complexity can also become oppressive
Thank you so much for your really thoughtful feedback. Thanks for your kind words and the direction you went with your interpretation. I was thinking a lot about the unseen labor, work, and hands-on skill, as well as the semi imprisonment you suggested. THANK YOU!
Very cool poem, it reminds me a lot of me because I worked with bricks and you made me relive some great moments, it is impossible not to be moved by this writing, blessings.
Thank you for encouraging words! I have not gotten my hands calloused with that kind of work in a long time, but I can still remember it and am happy that you had memories you could revisit :)
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