TRADING FLOOR CONFESSIONS: JULY 20TH, 11:47 AM
TRADING FLOOR CONFESSIONS: JULY 20TH, 11:47 AM
Transcript recovered from abandoned Bloomberg terminal, Jersey City trading desk
Christ. Look at this madness.
Bitcoin just kissed $120,000 again and my screen is bleeding green like someone slaughtered a leprechaun. Congress actually passed crypto legislation—first major piece in U.S. history—and every degenerate with a Robinhood account thinks they're the next Michael Saylor.
Tesla popped 3% Friday on news that Uncle Sam slapped a 93.5% anti-dumping duty on Chinese graphite. Crucial for EV batteries, apparently. Meanwhile, TSLA earnings drop Wednesday after market close and I've got retail traders calling this morning asking if they should "buy the dip" on a stock that's up 47% year-to-date.
The dip. Jesus.
You know what the real kicker is? Crypto market cap hit $4 trillion for the first time ever this week. FOUR TRILLION. Remember when the entire crypto space was worth less than Apple? Now we've got algorithms trading digital tokens faster than I can spell "Ethereum" and pension funds adding Bitcoin to their portfolios like it's Microsoft circa 1999.
My phone hasn't stopped buzzing. Karen from accounting wants to know if she should put her 401k into Bitcoin. My dentist texted me about "DeFi yield farming." My mother—MY MOTHER—asked me about something called "Bitcoin Hyper" that apparently raised $3.31 million this week.
The insanity compounds when you realize Alphabet earnings hit Wednesday and the stock still trades under 19x forward earnings while everyone's losing their minds over cryptocurrencies that don't produce anything except speculative fervor and electricity bills that could power small nations.
But here's the thing that keeps me up at night: Bitcoin ETFs logged their biggest inflow day of 2025 Thursday at $1.18 billion. Institutional money. Real money. The kind managed by people wearing suits who went to actual business schools.
When Goldman Sachs starts treating digital magic beans like treasury bonds, when JPMorgan executives stop laughing and start buying, when the Federal Reserve considers a "digital dollar" while Bitcoin trades at prices that would've been science fiction five years ago—that's when you realize we're not in a bubble.
We're in a completely different monetary universe.
Progressive beat earnings estimates by 14.8% this week, reporting solid fundamentals in a business model that's existed since the 1600s. Stock moved 2%. Meanwhile, any cryptocurrency with "AI" or "Layer-2" in its name moves 20% on a single tweet from someone with anime profile pictures.
The old rules died somewhere between zero interest rates and infinite quantitative easing. What we're witnessing isn't market inefficiency—it's the birth of an entirely new financial ecosystem where code is law, scarcity is programmed, and traditional valuation metrics matter about as much as astrology.
My trading mentor used to say: "When taxi drivers start giving stock tips, sell everything."
Today's version: "When your grandmother starts mining cryptocurrency, buy more Bitcoin."
The revolution will be tokenized. And frankly, I'm tired of fighting it.
End transmission
Position disclosure: Long BTC, short my own sanity. This transcript is for entertainment purposes only. Past performance does not guarantee future returns, but it does guarantee future therapy bills.