Sometimes I Just Can't Figure Out Why I'm Here

almost 5 years ago

^{Feeling like the dirt that gets swept under the rug.} ^{The words are not coming to me clearly; perhaps better left unsaid.}

^{Shattered Realities}

I Don't Know Where I'm Going With This

^Yet.

Every step you take will change the world. If you don't believe me, ask yourself how your footprints came to be.

Humiliation

^{Maybe I'll start there.}

As a young child, I'd wake up nearly every morning, soaked in my own piss. Some called it bed-wetting but by the age of seven I had already figured out how to call it, fuck this and I hate my life.

I'd wake up, not want to be alive, then get on with my day. Somehow, I'd always find a way.
^{^{I was far too young to be dealing with that kind of stress; hated making a mess.}}

I had no way of knowing then, the world was teaching me how to cope with humiliation, in the most fucked up way one could imagine.

I look around, directly at society, I see many still protecting themselves from being humiliated. Blocking out the knowledge and power required to be able to handle any situation; setting themselves up to fear the unknown. The victims of their own self-inflicted manifestations of worry.

When the outside appearance of your own illusions shatter and crumble to the ground, all that is left is the inside capable of growing a new skin. Like a bone, the sight of a break heals stronger, but only for a short time.
^{^{Humiliation only hurts for a short time and anyone who allows it to be a period of growth, gains strength.}}

Those who hide, stunt their growth.

Invincibility is often confused with the ability to go unharmed, physically. People want that superficial nonsense, in their dreams. How often are bullets flying past your head? Not as often as the gaze of an onlooker. Not giving a fuck what they think trumps invincibility and can actually be accomplished without the help of fantasy.

Not giving a fuck sounds negative to those trained in the art of superficial nonsense and bigotry, so they'll hide from a life of feeling unbothered and replace it with a reason to be offended the moment someone says it's cool to just chill.
^{^{Who cares how it is said. It is the meaning; the beauty within that matters.}}

I saw her again, today.

^{She remembered me.}

I could tell by her deliberate avoidance of eye contact and flushed skin. I'm sure it has been five years, at least, since the day we met.

I was eyeballing a box of twelve Heineken on that day. When it comes to purchasing beer, I have a hard time deciding. I'm certain I looked at that box of Heineken at least once for every bottle inside, as I browsed around, looking for a deal.

With all the bright colors and fancy displays, I had become distracted away from my reason for living in that day; lost within a sea of consumers delight.

Finally, I became annoyed with myself because I went there to buy Heineken in the first place. I realized I was experiencing the rush of being late at the same time I grabbed for the handle.

All within an immeasurable instant: The box ripped, the beer hit the floor, some broke, others were fizzing high into the air and in all directions; under my breath I said, "Fuck."

"Watch your mouth!"

^{Said the thunderous roar of her voice echoing throughout the establishment.}

It went on as people who somehow didn't notice the excitement of the beer show began to gawk.

Loudly!

"How dare you use such filth around my children! You have NO respect!"

The entire contents of human life inside of the box store full of booze and the hopes of a good night were now all looking at—her. She carried on grumbling and finally I asked, calmly, "Are you trying to humiliate me?"

"Well you should feel bad! Someone needs to teach people like you a lesson!"

And she was right so I looked her in the eye and quietly stated, "You're the one who brought three babies to a goddamn liquor store and you don't even notice this little guy down here playing in a puddle of spilled beer and broken glass."

I could see her brain attempting to construct an excuse as her mouth opened slowly until her jaw hit the floor. No sounds now. Only the body language and a red face that would make a sunburn jealous leaving the building so fast it left a tracer behind.